Mixed Up?

Everyone has a two face that they hide, one is the ideal and the true self. I really can't express in small and short meaning, but I can tell you a fully detailed of myself, the true colors of my life.

They said I have no worries about life, due to my daily life was quite cheerful. To what they do not know, it was horrible for me to survive every single day with what I have now. They thought everything was normal and making jokes with everyone, laugh with everyone, but those are just the mask I've build up ever since young.

At the age of nine, I've started to wear a mask. I wanted to cheerful, to be something great for someone, but needlessly to say, I was dreaming too much. I was accused, threatened, called a liar, goody two shoes. I was broken, my mind has been a the verge of killing myself. I keep asking myself what went wrong, but I was naive to know the truth.

It went for years and at the age of twelve, I became someone which isn't myself, I tried to mimic what people would do, but they just see me as a wanna be. I got bullied during my secondary school years, it was a horrible memory, a nightmare to boot. I was traumatized by the people around me, I became sensitive when they look or even talk about me. I became a loner, feeling broken inside and out everyday. I pray for salvation.

Before I knew, people who were hurt or injured infront of me, I felt so happy. People who I've known for years, died, not a single tears. My past was the reason that made the opposite of myself. I never knew such personality was formed.

I hate myself, I've always thought of suicidal, but I was afraid to do it. But I've always wish that I wouldn't have to wake up for tomorrow. Being born without a luck in life, easily bullied because they thought I'm acting cool. I just only want one thing, I just want to be myself again, cheerful, happy and kind...