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Everyone has a two face that they hide, one is the ideal and the true self. I really can't express in small and short meaning, but I can tell you a fully detailed of myself, the true colors of my life.

They said I have no worries about life, due to my daily life was quite cheerful. To what they do not know, it was horrible for me to survive every single day with what I have now. They thought everything was normal and making jokes with everyone, laugh with everyone, but those are just the mask I've build up ever since young.

At the age of nine, I've started to wear a mask. I wanted to cheerful, to be something great for someone, but needlessly to say, I was dreaming too much. I was accused, threatened, called a liar, goody two shoes. I was broken, my mind has been a the verge of killing myself. I keep asking myself what went wrong, but I was naive to know the truth.

It went for years and at the age of twelve, I became someone which isn't myself, I tried to mimic what people would do, but they just see me as a wanna be. I got bullied during my secondary school years, it was a horrible memory, a nightmare to boot. I was traumatized by the people around me, I became sensitive when they look or even talk about me. I became a loner, feeling broken inside and out everyday. I pray for salvation.

Before I knew, people who were hurt or injured infront of me, I felt so happy. People who I've known for years, died, not a single tears. My past was the reason that made the opposite of myself. I never knew such personality was formed.

I hate myself, I've always thought of suicidal, but I was afraid to do it. But I've always wish that I wouldn't have to wake up for tomorrow. Being born without a luck in life, easily bullied because they thought I'm acting cool. I just only want one thing, I just want to be myself again, cheerful, happy and kind...

This is a story of love, not just any simple love, it was a fight. A fight that battles for each day's survival. As far as many love encounters, this one may be the most difficult to move his eyes off this attractive women. She may not be attractive or beautiful, but to his eyes, it's like finding a diamond in coals. She is beautiful and dazzling in her own ways.

It may sound so beautiful, but beautiful can be thorny. He knew that the one he fallen to was an unrequited love, he knows it too well but he risk the chances, just to capture the hearts of the women. It was a very lenient journey, but one can't stop his adamant for love.

Time goes by, he encounters so much trial, a difficult trial to boot in. Everything was over, for the women, she squeeze her eyes out and was defenseless. He knows she needs help, a help that needs a long term assist. She needs someone to ease her, and he was there to comfort her.

With such tragedy ended, another rises. He became self conscious about her, and he wasn't thinking right, stressed out. "I see, I don't stand a chance when I'm like this..." he nodded and sat quietly.

"I want her to notice me, even just a little..."
"There's always a chance, there should be.."
"I'm giving up.. but I can't, she'll be all alone.."
"I have to do whatever I can for her, even if it means lying my health for her!"
"I can't just watch.. I must be beside her, always! Even if it means unrequited"

Voice echoing in his head, he was at verge of letting go, moving on and protecting her. He thought he was unstoppable, heart breaking was a time healer for him but he didn't expect that it broke countless times that right now, it became dust. He felt empty inside, so empty, even the slightest touch could easily break him a part, but he has a shell that could cover up.

He never knew he was lost till he look at the mirror, "So this is what I've been doing all this time", he smiled and fall a part in seconds. He felt despair, agony, misery, everything. He knew it wasn't her fault to begin with, he was consumed by love, and was destroy from within.

Holding his limit for days, months and years, he finally burst out his pain, it's releasing a malevolence in him. He confessed that he wants tk move on, even it hurts him so much. She acknowledged and felt relieved cause he has been following her shadow for years, a love that she can't accept.

Thus, he finally release his pain and sorrow. He wants to be free and possibly of finding new love. He knows if he let go, that's the end of it. He has to eat and swallow the truth, cause the only way for him to grow and learn.

Even if he did, his heart speaks to him, "No matter how much you let go, she'll still be inside you no matter what, you still love her, not loved." And in hopes him always walking behind her shadow, she'll be the one walking his shadow and he'll turn around, "I'm here for you, now and always", he dares to dream, but he dares not to wish.

-Fz.

As I promise to be back again, here is the story of me, the current me, the feelings that cannot be express by action but by words. Hi there, this may be for the future me to read, so let's get it started.

Yes, you are still in love with her, the person you tried to deny and hate when you were still a freshmen. This post will be a story about you and I, piece by piece, little by little of memories I picked up and to not forget ever again. This may sound like a fairy tale I made up but it is the truth, this the feelings you've been kept for years and trying to express it like a story book.

You have to admit, you hated her, you despise her because of how she treated you, but in the end.. you gave a strange smile at the end of the day, how strange of me. Those were the days we had to cherish on and move on to our Secondary School lifes. I may be repeating as what my previous post mentioned but this is by detail and much longer to read.

You began the mark of your journey to start a new, you did and it was a success. To be frank, you were just following the flood, not wanting to be a child anymore, you mature by a little but the thought for romance were a die out. Let me skip it to where the love really begins, frankly speaking.. you only like her during the night of Hari Raya, cause she was a fun person, easy to talk and.. she changed for the most of people you talked to. It was strange, yes.. cause you're seeing someone who's different than you've imagined.

You got together with her, it was like a bliss but not bestow with a last longing mutual love. You were enraged, filled with sadness, wanting to grab what was left out your hand. You throw a tantrum on her, and all she can do was hold it in, to apologize, and it was me.. you.. like a child, repeating the same question not accepting reality. That's just you, the boy who lacks of maturity.

The year starts, I've became a senior in the school, to be look upon, you swore to yourself to be more visualize on things you do and be mature. Those were the days you feel like "I'm so gonna get a good start right now". Tch, what a lie I've made that day, it's like a calamity.. I met her again, with hatred.. just like how used to, there goes me trying to be a new person. Guess it's just me getting karma for what I've done to her. Yes, you were still contacting each other but a title of 'Friend' and yet.. even I hate her, I can't hate her.. yes it's complicating to understand, that's what you felt.. it's a mystery.

I'm highlighting this for you, never ever forget what you've done to her you asshole. At the month of August, things gone better between us yet I treat her like she is just someone who wasted my precious time. On the eighth, you remembered.. but you tend to forget her birthday, you wanted to but you were of the consequences of getting a heart break again. On the twenty-one, it's before your birthday, I remembered you took your time to hang out with your friends, watching anime, futsal, guitars and etc. She gave you a present, a wallet.. which is meant for a phone but yes, you use as a wallet. You took it.. you threw it aside and without looking at her, you said thanks and done. You're the worst, a kid, an asshole, you should have die when it's possible. That day will be your scar, a memory that will never fade.

Months after, you receive lesser messages from her and you gave up on her and moved on. You said it was for the best, but you cried everyday knowingly you did the worst.

Graduated, searching for a college.. you work on a part time job, suddenly you started to message her again even you felt so afraid to press a single send button to her. She replied, you were relieved and was so happy that you forgot you did the worst thing ever to her. Yes, you were still using the wallet she gave you as your birthday present, torn and bulky. I set aside of what happened between me and her of the past and start chatting about our future plans. Months later, we still in contact.. on month of August again, you asked her.. "Do you still like me?", she acknowledge with a simple yes, you felt the happiness you had was there again. But sadly it was just a simple yes of being a friend.

Come to think of it, you want to know when you fell in love with her? Heh, it was the day you met her after two years of not seeing her. You weren't dazzle by her appearance, it was the smile she gave you. Yes, even I'm feeling it now, you felt like it's love but it is more greater than you ever felt. You swore yourself, as long you can see that smile of hers, you can be happy anytime.

So right now, if you're reading this, either it's the future me or you.. please, I've fallen in love with you, and it's deep. I love you, A.

Let me share you a chapter which consist the endless me, pursuing a meaningless dream in life. Back when I was just thirteen, I was just living with a normal with peace and quiet personality. Everyday was a smile to me, couldn't feel any better till one day, when a reunion suddenly pop. I've met my old schoolmates and we talk nostalgically, seems it really takes our time fast.

Five years has passed, everything changed. To think that this blog is somewhat a few pieces of memory that I could at least to remember.. but nevertheless, its really surprise and embarassing cause the old me is pretty unique with words which the current me couldn't even understand, heh.

Well, people grow and change for the good or bad. I've always remember what my friends told me.. "Stop being so negative and think brightly, else you'll soon regret". That's what made me reflected and gave me a smile cause.. heh, I'm blessed for having people like this around me. No, friends around me.

Ironically, I still have the slightest feeling of being negative but I'm feeling more refresh than the old me. I've changed cause the people around me, I feel so lucky of taking a route from bad, to a better light. The only person now that I look upon and hoping to be forever guiding me.. is to my trustworthy friend that I can depend on now, Nurul Ain Binte Kamsani. Hope you're doing well, since we're so busy and I'm claiming that we're officially adults now, and things that we need to minimize on and etc.

This might ends the blogging, but who knows? I'll drop by again or so. Goodbye old me, thank you for the memories you've made in here, it was fun reading back the days you've felt the suffering and rejoicing days.

Sayonara, Farizz Larh Oi.

Regards, Faris Fuaz.

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